why r people so hateful?

So, I've been trying to ignore it and trying to put it out of my mind, but I'm having such a hard time with it. It seems that a certain member in my family is out to totally sabotage me in my pregnancy and I'm starting to let it bother me. When she found out, she wasn't happy but wasn't negative either. However, that has all changed. She's managed to alienate me from my family here and it tears me apart. Ever since we found out we were having a baby there have been no invites, no weekly phone calls, and no visits either. My cousina nd I are 14 hours apart and I have to admit I seriously just think she's jealous or full of hate! I've tried to mend fences with her...even though I've done nothing wrong. When I told her I was pregnant her response was "ya i heard" I told my grandmother and in a matter of mins she had the phone tree on speed dial. Then, I made the mistake of telling her we had discussed it with my mom and my husband's mom the night before after the first BFP and her response "oh so you told everyone yesterday and i'm just now finding out!" It wasn't like that at all. Then, she turns around and broadcasts a huge congrats to my husband and i on facebook before we even had the chance to tell everyone- talk about trying to steal my thunder and not to mention off the wall rude! I asked her to take it down and she did. The next week there were numerous posts of hers inferring to people who have to rely on the system and need to work for things they have. Currently, I'm playing the stay at home mom to my 3 stepdaughters. To her, this is not acceptable and because we are considered low income, she feels I should be out working at McDonald's or the grocery store. We've managed to make it on my husband's income and haven't had to ask for much help, but I had to get on Medicaid and WIC, so to her I guess I'm a low life now even more since we already get food stamps- I must say though that my husband's ex refuses to pay child support and is a dead beat, so my husband and I are doing the very best we can to support and raise them on just his income!

So, my main gripe is why do people have to be so hateful? Why cant everyone just be happy for me? They don't even begin to realize the struggles I've gone through to get to this point- an abusive ex-husband, playing an active stepmother role to 3 girls who I didn't give birth too but had accepted the role of mom even though I was told over and over without fertility drugs kids were out of the question naturally for me. Not to mention either that their biological mother has gone as far as to wish harm and death to any unborn children I have and constantly compares the relationship of a birth mother to a step mother 10 times over. So, here I sit...13 weeks pregnant carrying my own first child and my parents first grandchild and my grandparents first great grandchild and didn't have to use fertility drugs. God doesn't give us more than we can handle!?? I'm so excited and anxious to be a birth mommy to this baby, but it seems like I'm ruining her happiness and she's dragging me down...not to mention it went as far as to someone in the family calling my mother and telling her I was on fertility drugs and this baby was "planned." I haven't had insurance for the last year and a half and couldn't dream of affording fertility drugs out of pocket, to that's a fat no!

Maybe its just the hormones or maybe it's just me, but I'm feeling so irritated and have tried to approach her about it and all i get is "i'm sorry if i've been rude to you for the last few weeks and it just so happens to be when you found out!" How do we get past people like this? And yes, financially we're not READY for this baby, but *****ally is?! I guess I'm just hurt and needed to vent and I know people here might understand!!

Kerry,

I am going through a very rough time with my family too and I am trying to get pregnant but because they have treated me like dirt and manipulated me all during my life ****il I woke up from that bubble like 2 months ago) I decided my family are going to be the last to know if I get pregnant.  I will tell them on my 3rd trimester, if I get lucky getting pregnant.

Please... I know it's hard believe me.. and I know is easier said that done... but concentrate on your marvelous blessing, on you and your husband.  Forget about the negative people in your life...the only thing that does is stress you out.

I will email you later.. I have to get ready for work but I have to be at dr's office in 45 mins for my test to check my numbers to see how ovulated.

I know what you mean about people being hateful... they just want attention.. the best thing is just to drop them and let them go... You are a special person and if they don't see that.. oh well, their loss...

Just be happy with your moment now... don't depend on other people for that..

Have a great day!!

Disclaimer: I don't know you personally or your family member.  I will start by saying it's no1 business but your own how many children you have or what benefits you receive (but if you put it out there for people to know- you open yourself to comments).  But on the other hand I will also encourage the breaking of the cycle of poverty.  Just because you are qualified to get these benefits doesn't mean that you should sustain on them forever- Perhaps that is what she is trying to say.  Believe me- I would much rather be a SAHM then work- but it means food on my table, and a good home for my kids....so it's off to work I go.  I make that choice...I would rather work my butt off then have to live in low income housing (not safe in most of our areas) or be dependent on a system. A system which is actually being bleed dry by fraud and laziness (not saying you). We all know food stamps and Medicaid wont fix the issue of being low income...but working will.  So when the kids are old enough that working is an option- go for it.  There are even programs in most states so you can go to work and pay very low childcare costs so you can 'get off the system'. Oh- and child support- you can legally get that too- dead beat moms go to jail too.  Best of luck on your situation, I hope things improve for your family.  Sounds like you have a lot of hard work in front of you to resolve some issues that are personal.  And I would tell the other family member to either be supportive or leave you alone.

Well, I guess I should have added that I'm taking classes right now full time to get my Bachelor's degree, so I'm not happy having to depend on the system for even the slightest bit of help, but the past 2 years have been rough on us. I have 2 Associate's degrees already and when we relocated to this area...mainly to rescue the children from the mental abuse their mother was putting them through...it was hard for me to find work. We moved with the full intention of me going to work full time...I have no problem working as I've worked since I was 17 up until January of 2008 when we moved.

And please don't get me wrong either, but my husband makes pretty decent money, but it's just a lot when you have 5 people in the family already. We don't live in low income housing and we do have more than most, but we've cut added expenses since we were hit with only having 1 income. I've still been applying for new jobs, but decided at the beginning of the year to stay at home til I finish my degree and then I found out I was pregnant. As for the child support, that would be impossible! We've tried, but she moves constantly and refuses to get a job and has excuses up and down that it's almost pointless to keep on trying when you can't get blood from a rock!

For my cousin- The sad part is her sister gets food stamps every month, while living at home with her mother and not needing them (hence a case where abuse is by far her case) and she gives my cousin 100 dollars a month out of it...they've been doing this for the past 3 years and then her home that she lives in was given to her by her mother in law. Not to mention she works full time and so does her husband and they have no children- so she by far does not need food stamps and has no right to throw stones!

As for Medicaid- I haven't had insurance since January of 2008 either and my husband just got a new job 3 months ago, but we still have 6 more months to wait til we can get the insurance through his work. I don't condone people using the system or abusing it...as a matter of fact, since I enrolled in college full time they cut my benefits and I've managed to bend and make it work. So, bettering myself excludes me as a member of the household and not to mention nutrition is so important especially now that I'm having to feed myself and the baby on top of it.

I plan to finish my degree after the baby is born and hopefully return to work. I like staying home, but it's honestly not for me. I don't like being on the system, but I'm not like most who get everything paid for....the only thing I've accepted over the past year is in fact our food stamp allowance. My Medicaid will be terminated 6 weeks after the baby arrives and I will be on my husband's insurance through work.

Times are tough and some of us need help and I'm willing to put my tail between my legs and submit to the fact that after working for the past 10 plus years and going to college, I need a little bit of help til I can get back on my feet. But, I am not sitting at home on my butt doing nothing so I hope that's understood!

You know, there are people out there who looks for reasons to feel superior to others and to sabotage other's happiness out of jealousy. The best thing you can do is be happy about your new little one, live your life, and don't let her bait you into any arguments. Don't be defesive, just act like she didn't say anything of consequence whenever she says someting nasty to you. Bullies tend to get bored of the game pretty quick when they can't make you mad.

Thanks! I am so happy and so excited just a little saddened that she feels its her duty to ruin our relationship. She's very jealous of my relationship with my aunt because she just got married back in March and my aunt helped her with a lot of the planning and now it's me she's spending more time with and I think thats another part of it. You're right though I think I just need to let it go in one ear and out the other. I guess I was just having one of those why moments?!

Stop communicating with her.  Compile a list of all the hurtful crap she's said and done to you, and when she asks why you've been avoiding her, hand her the list and say, "This is why." 

I went through something similar, although not with my family.  (My best friend of 15 years, who was practically like my sister.)

She got pregnant.  I was excited for her, planned her shower, helped paint the nursery, drove 50 miles round trip to spend time with her because she was on bed rest, etc.  Her pregnancy was complicated, she wouldn't get up to do anything except use the bathroom, so I helped by cooking meals for her family, coming over to clean, etc. 

The baby was born premature because of her complications (high BP, gestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia).  She was hospitalized for 2 weeks, and the baby was in the NICU for 6.

Now, all this time, I was unemployed.  I had nothing but time to spend with her.  My husband was only working part time at minimum wage... it's all he could get.  When my friend decided to have her baby baptized, she didn't ask us to be godparents... she asked someone whom she had known for less than a year!  Ugh, I was so hurt.

I eventually got a job and was working full-time, so I didn't have the time to spend with her anymore.  She accused me of being a "****ty friend" and for "never being there for her."  I tried to talk things out with her, and she responded, "YOU can't possibly understand, because YOU'RE not a mother."  Um... excuse me?! 

So anyway, to sum it up... I ended up cutting her out of my life.  In retrospect, I know now that she is just one of those people who is totally happy as long as she is getting her way, but is totally unwilling to compromise or go the extra mile when someone else needed help.  It's sad that 15 years of friendship went down the tubes... but I know I'm better off now, and happier for it, honestly.

Oh yeah... and it's worth noting that she also limits time her parents and in-laws spend with her son, as well.  (And they're wonderful, dedicated, loving people.)  She's just gone off the deep end and totally isolated herself.  *shrug*

You're probably right! I need to not let it bother me and focus on the happiness of what's to come. I just wish people would just not be so fickle. We used to be very close and now since the pregnancy she's completely changed. I hate to do it, but I think cutting her out for right now is probably my best option. I didn't talk to her for about 2 weeks and she caught wind of my disaapointment with her because my grandma felt she needed to tell her. Then that all caused much unwanted and unnecessary drama. I think I'm just going to let her sit and simmer and try not to pay attention. It just really hurts deep inside because this baby is something I've so badly wanted for years and just never thought would come. I thought of all people it would have brought the two of us close together, but it's done just the opposite! :(

Some people are just toxic. It's best to cut them out of your life, if possible. We have done this with a few people this year and cut out huge amounts of stress, as well. One of the people was my sister in law. Sometimes you have to do it, regardless of family ties.

Very, very true! I'm going to give it a try and see how it goes. Thanks girlie!